Journeys of one mom

How many times a day do you catch your mind wondering off? Do you replay scenarios in your head? Do you dwell on the "what ifs" of life?  Do you ask yourself random questions about random knowledge? Or, do you maybe dwell on the things in your life that aren't positive? Physical or emotional pain? Changes in your health and wishing you could be the person you once were?  That last one is my BIGGEST hang up.  I miss ME... But the truth is... I am still me... just with different challenges every day.  But it's hard to get that from my HEAD to my HEART.... Apparently it's a really LONG travel.  Today, this was all heavy on my heart again as I sat listening to my kids talk and as I sat pondering my own "stuff".  Sometimes we just get stuck.  Stuck in our thoughts and our ways.  Our thoughts go round and round and most the time... when I'm stuck in those thoughts, they are thoughts that will bring me down and bring me down QUICKLY... So, I was prayin...

Some times around here, we get a little crazy!  When I say crazy... I mean all forms are welcome at the door!  Just check in as you enter so we know what crazy we have today!  Today's crazy.... sci-fi gone Jesus!  I honestly come to you bringing the reality that life gets hard around here.  Emotions can dive quick. We have a lot of good days and we have a lot of GREAT days, but in the midst of every one of those days are pockets of time that creep up with deep emotion that are so very hard to swallow.  We have been faced with a lot of those lately.  We have the dreaded realities that no one wants to talk about.  The realities that hang there with gloom.  The realities we all like to shove to the back burner and never speak of.  BUT... they are there.... and though we'd like to say they aren't, they are ever present on our minds.  One of the many questions we get asked.... is there a cure? Will you get better?  Will they gro...

I was sitting down this morning to read my Bible and I came across the verse in Phillipians 4:13 that says, "I can do everything through him who gives me strength." You know, I have used this scripture many many times when I am struggling to get through something.  It's an awesome reminder that God is there... that God will help... That Christ is our strength.... But today it sunk in a little deeper as I backed up and looked further at the passage.  When Paul wrote this, he was addressing the Phillipians.  He was saying to them at this very point that he had learned to be content.  He had learned to live within the means of whatever he had at that time.  He said to them, "I am not saying this because I am in need for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether livi...

Today as I was listening to my worship station, this song, "Fear Is a Liar" came on and it really stopped me for a moment as I truly listened.  The fear of the titles we bear often is the liar that drags us down.... Sometimes, the titles that people don't think of are the titles that many bear on a daily basis. You often think about titles just as jobs that we hold.  Positions of power... but we all have titles in our lives... some titles are heavier than the title of any highest power you could hold... it is often a title that we  bear completely alone.  Titles like "Special needs, spoony, terminal, chronic, incurable, progressive..." The list could go on!  Yes... medical titles cause fear!  They hold us back, they tell us we can't be what we always dreamt or wanted... they crush us... but God has a plan beyond that title.  God says in Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans  I have for you,” declares the  Lord , “plans to prosp...

As our children grow, I watch the talks that we have change.  The questions become harder.  The shows that they watch become harder to combat with.  The world we live in grows stronger to over take and overwhelm with ways that seem to take them down paths that are hard and scary... This morning as I prayed, I was overwhelmed by todays society. Thinking of the youth of today... teens taking on the Tide Pod challenge or the Aerosol deodorant challenge... The amount of stories I hear of teens struggling to know their "sexual identity", or the cutting, the suicide attempts because of the pressures of life, drug overdoses, the shootings and killings... it's a heavy world... Then our children ask questions. They want to understand. They want to know why. So, this morning, God took me to a passage I know well, but it clicked in a way it had never clicked today.  It's found in 2 Timothy 4:2 It says, "Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, re...

I am reading the Bible tonight trying to put together something on my heart.  As I do, I'm sitting here and I have so much emotion welling up in me.  The question of, "Who is this Jesus" is something I have been feeling I'm to research and write some lessons on.  As I'm diving into it, my heart is being torn in so many ways myself. My first lesson in this series of lessons is that of the Shepherd.  Jesus is our Shepherd.  John 10:11-15 says, "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.  The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away.  Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it.  The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.  I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me - just as the Father knows me and I know the Father - and I lay down my life for the sheep." As I read this, I t...

My life has taken a sudden change... everything I once knew... it feels I no longer know.  I was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago because of my aspiration issues and a Peg tube (feeding tube) was placed in my abdomen.  I went in with the understanding this was going to be supplemental... and I came out learning this was it... This was my sole nutrition.... The words NPO indefinitely were written in bold letters across the note from my surgeon and team of doctors (NPO meaning... nothing by mouth).  You don't realize how big that word Indefinite is... until it's placed on something major in your life.  This has been a hard road.  I have put on my bravest most strongest face I can... but there are moments... daily moments... I find myself broken... I feel so much better now with my health that it makes it all worthwhile but for me... for many... food is social!  We get together and we eat.... we have parties and we eat... we have victories and we eat... we go on dat...

We got to go to church today.  We haven't been in MONTHS!  It's super hard to pack us up and go places and the weekends are when we are wiped because we have been on the go like crazy through the week with appointments, my therapies, school, etc.  But I was blessed to be there today.  For those needing a church, especially if you have special needs in your home, Whosoever ministries in Fountain City is a fantastic church home. It starts at 2 p.m. on Sundays and 7 p.m. on Tuesdays. Now... back to where I was.  Today, Denver (the pastor) was talking about final words and listening to people to get a better understanding of who they really are.  It got me to really thinking!  So many times, I wonder what people hear from me when they listen... then it made me think... our words are a powerful thing in our lives!  Words can bring hope... words can dash hope!  Words can bring joy but equally bring sorry.  Words can build up or tear down... ...

What do you do when life comes to a screeching halt? How do you focus and how do you handle it when everything flies at you at once?  It seems that is the way of life all together right now for me in my little world.  One thing right after the other... leaves you at a place of questions... makes you feel you've been knocked down... Leaves you to ask... why God? Jeff (my husband) and I were talking just the other day how many people look at Christianity so differently.  The reality is... God never ever once promised that life as a Christian would be easy! NOPE!  He never promised there would be butterflies and roses and rainbows everywhere... but instead... he said there will be hard times... there will be suffering... their will be persecution... there will be struggles... But even in the midst of all of that He did promise hope! He did promise to carry our burden! He did promise to be there in every moment of every joy and every sorrow! For me... yesterday was m...

Chronic illness changes everything... it changes your outlook, your feelings, your desires, it changes the way you view life... it changes your perspective... In Ecclesiastes 3 it says, "There is an appointed time for everything. A nd there is a time for every event under heaven— 2  A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. 3  A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4  A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance...." Today as I spoke with two very special friends... two people I adore and look up to who also fight the life of chronic illness... It dawned on me... there is a time for everything in our lives!  It sucks (and yep... we say sucks because that is the healthiest most innocent word we can use and every other word would be much worse for what we battle)... but it sucks to face the realities some times.  It sucks to see the ...

Life holds so many... and I mean VERY MANY... paths for us to choose.  I have been wrestling with my latest path because it's hard for me to make the choice.  Have you had that moment that you have laid there wrestling with a thought and your heart races from anxiousness of knowing what you're supposed to do?  Yeah... Yep... that's kind of where I am at. In the past, I have avoided medical on this blog... but my journey of this one mom... it's changed in the last year.  I've walked through so many emotions... Anger... the question why... the how... the survival shut down of numbness... to joy... to Anger... to fear.... to hurting deep inside... to learning to accept a new path. I sit here realizing that my journey is changing... and in that change... I'm going to try to share more here because it helps me to grow and to see truth when I put things into words and I share with you because writing is my outlet!  So, I welcome you aboard to join me if you'd li...

Have you ever looked at those search and find books?  Things like "Where's Waldo" or the hundreds of other books they have like this.  Man! They make my head hurt looking through the pages and pages of pictures with my kids.  Have you ever thought about your walk with God?  Many call it a religion... but really... it's a relationship.  Have you ever stopped to think that people are watching... That your life is like a page of the "Where's Waldo" book... Maybe Waldo is God in your life... or maybe Waldo is finding that small truth to say you are what or who you say you are!  The world stands back watching and wondering and looking.  Doubt creeps in as you try to share the gospel and people question you and question why you say you are this God following person. We all know that words hold very little meaning when ACTIONS do not show it.  Someone says they're a Christian, someone says they go to church, or someone says they're "in ministry...

Have you ever felt that nudge of the Holy Spirit? The urge telling you to do something... OH boy! I have.  I remember growing up with my parents doing children's ministry on the road.  Over and over... God would speak to me.  God would tell me something to say to someone... at points, the reaction around me was *gasp* but then you'd begin to see God work.  I remember a time we were eating in a restaurant and God gave me something to say to these two men eating together... I bravely walked up to them and would say what God put on my heart... with out fail... each time this happened... you could see the wave of emotion... you could feel God working... I'd walk away feeling strong and proud that again... GOD had chosen me.... Today, I'm reading the Bible. Sometimes what God asks of us isn't easy.  Sometimes it is we, as Christians, who *gasp* saying, "God, are you nuts?  Are you trying to get me killed?  Or make everyone hate me?"  I've had those m...

So, here I am again... my random moments that I get to actually sit down and blog! Last night, I was praying about what God wanted me to read in my devotions.  As I prayed, I kept being drawn to this one particular passage.  I keep praying and asking God... what is it I am to learn here or see here... The passage is Matthew 26:6-13.  Jesus Anointed at Bethany 6  While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of Simon the Leper, 7  a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table. 8  When the disciples saw this, they were indignant. “Why this waste?” they asked. 9  “This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.” 10  Aware of this, Jesus said to them, “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 11  The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. 12  When she...

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  It feels that everything has hit hard and all at once.  We as humans get tired.  We start to feel like we can't say that one more prayer begging for a change, we can't make that next step of faith to trust tomorrow is going to be Ok, or maybe we aren't even sure if there's hope for tomorrow... Some may read that and think, "Well how depressing!" but when the battle is strong and the fight goes on and on... at some point, we grow weary!  We become so tired that we aren't sure of ourselves and we just don't know how to cope with it.  Today, I was praying.  For me, I'm battling chronic illness, both in me and in my children. I'm at a place that I'm having to figure out how to cope with unwanted changes in my body.  The things that I used to do, there are many that I can't do at all and many that have become a struggle for me to do.  In that moment, I have to start to realize that I hav...

Valley... what do you think of when you hear that word?  Me, I often think of the times in life that I've felt like the mountain (or problem) before me was just too overwhelming and too hard to handle.  It's a point in life I'm down and feel defeated like there's no way out.  Many think of that and other things when they think of the word valley.  The actual definition of Valley is a low area of land between mountains and hills.   Today, I was doing my usual afternoon routine when I got a text from a friend.  The text had a picture of her calendar that showed her word for today.  The passage she shared with me made me smile and made me think about the wonderful love of our God.  Soon after, a song came on that went right along with what I just read.  Ever have those God moments where you just sit back and go WOW?  I have friend that always said, "I just got God (goose) bumps!"  That's where I was in that moment.   So, ...

What good is it?  Ever ask that of yourself?  Ever look around you and question why you try, why you care, or even what good it is to try to do right or to do what you know God wants you to do?  I think we all have, to be totally honest!  This morning, as I read the Bible, I sat thinking about this.  I'll be honest!  I have done that.  There are times we struggle... whether it be financially, physical health, desires... that list can go on and on for every one of us!  Then I see someone who's never gave much effort or has lived a life of doing nothing but everything against God... and they appear to be blessed or to have it all... A little jealousy sets in... right? Then you start to look at yourself and your own life and wonder why on earth you try so hard every day... Then I'm tripped up... my favorite line is God's got this... but I can stray from that! How easily I can stray from that! Then this morning, I asked God... what is it you want me...