A new path...
Life holds so many... and I mean VERY MANY... paths for us to choose. I have been wrestling with my latest path because it's hard for me to make the choice. Have you had that moment that you have laid there wrestling with a thought and your heart races from anxiousness of knowing what you're supposed to do? Yeah... Yep... that's kind of where I am at.
In the past, I have avoided medical on this blog... but my journey of this one mom... it's changed in the last year. I've walked through so many emotions... Anger... the question why... the how... the survival shut down of numbness... to joy... to Anger... to fear.... to hurting deep inside... to learning to accept a new path. I sit here realizing that my journey is changing... and in that change... I'm going to try to share more here because it helps me to grow and to see truth when I put things into words and I share with you because writing is my outlet! So, I welcome you aboard to join me if you'd like! The joys, the pains... the sorrows...
For me... life has slowly changed over the last 6 years because I was diagnosed with a muscle disease. My Mitochondria (the life sustaining energy in our cells) are sick. My body doesn't run on normal "power" like most and energy and fatigue have grown stronger. My weight has continued to increase for unknown reasons and my body has begun to make it harder and harder to put a brave face on.
A year ago, I was making wedding cakes, birthday cakes, selling cakes for the heck of it... and I've lost that ability. I've grown sicker ... weaker... more tired. I've developed worsening symptoms. In the last two months... my life has changed dramatically. You see, I'm very good at covering up how I feel. I might grown and complain my body is getting old... I might yawn extra... but I'll push myself so no one knows the depth of what I feel. I tell you, it's not a good habit to have!
To share where I am at right now... I've had to be put on medication to slow my heart rate...It was beating so rapidly that doing anything made me physically ill... I have started physical therapy and working with them, they see the muscle fatigue and they've told me I need a rollator (A fancy rolling walker) that I now have and have named it Herbie! This helps so much with my stability and getting out. As a friend says, it sounds so much better to say, "Hey, put Herbie in the van" So, Herbie it is! I've now learned that I'll be getting fitted for a power chair for major shopping, long distance walking, or activities with my kids. My heart broke with all of this. I knew it was something we would be talking about as we worked with therapy... but I had no idea they'd see it in my first visit and bring it up themselves. I can remember when I was 20.... I worked three jobs and still kept going... I miss that version of "me". Heck, I miss the version of me a year ago. So many changes and so quickly!
Now... I've had a swallow study that showed aspiration (getting what you swallow into your lungs.) and today, I worked with a speech therapist who evaluated my muscles in my mouth and throat. She saw the muscle weakening and had to work with me on tips of maybe swallowing a bit more safely. I sat there in her office full of emotion. She asked me if I was there for a second opinion or if I wanted help... Tears welled in my eyes. I want help desperately! I know as much as any that this won't get better unless God chooses for that to happen but I can do all I can to live to the best of quality life I can. She fears exercises could worsen the muscle weakness causing the swallowing to be worse, so we are going to work together to find a balance of working those muscles but not pushing those muscles...
So... today... I have decided in my heart... to fight with my best foot forward!
I have to admit... I have tremendously waivered and struggled as of late! God has shown me that he's here. He sees my needs. He holds my hand. He proved himself through providing my rollator and has proved himself through a sweet friend reaching out with groceries. These acts of enormous kindness God puts on their hearts and the follow through touches my heart and makes me stronger for another day! Some times in those dark moments when everything is hitting one right after the other... reaching out to him in helplessness is all I have...And I've needed friends and family to hold me up right now because I'm worn... and I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I don't know how we are going to do everything that needs done... but we will find a way and God's gonna be RIGHT THERE....
Right now... Trust has been hard. But I will continue to trust and I will continue to cling to him as my strength... My heart trusts in him....
~one worn out mom~
In the past, I have avoided medical on this blog... but my journey of this one mom... it's changed in the last year. I've walked through so many emotions... Anger... the question why... the how... the survival shut down of numbness... to joy... to Anger... to fear.... to hurting deep inside... to learning to accept a new path. I sit here realizing that my journey is changing... and in that change... I'm going to try to share more here because it helps me to grow and to see truth when I put things into words and I share with you because writing is my outlet! So, I welcome you aboard to join me if you'd like! The joys, the pains... the sorrows...
For me... life has slowly changed over the last 6 years because I was diagnosed with a muscle disease. My Mitochondria (the life sustaining energy in our cells) are sick. My body doesn't run on normal "power" like most and energy and fatigue have grown stronger. My weight has continued to increase for unknown reasons and my body has begun to make it harder and harder to put a brave face on.
A year ago, I was making wedding cakes, birthday cakes, selling cakes for the heck of it... and I've lost that ability. I've grown sicker ... weaker... more tired. I've developed worsening symptoms. In the last two months... my life has changed dramatically. You see, I'm very good at covering up how I feel. I might grown and complain my body is getting old... I might yawn extra... but I'll push myself so no one knows the depth of what I feel. I tell you, it's not a good habit to have!
To share where I am at right now... I've had to be put on medication to slow my heart rate...It was beating so rapidly that doing anything made me physically ill... I have started physical therapy and working with them, they see the muscle fatigue and they've told me I need a rollator (A fancy rolling walker) that I now have and have named it Herbie! This helps so much with my stability and getting out. As a friend says, it sounds so much better to say, "Hey, put Herbie in the van" So, Herbie it is! I've now learned that I'll be getting fitted for a power chair for major shopping, long distance walking, or activities with my kids. My heart broke with all of this. I knew it was something we would be talking about as we worked with therapy... but I had no idea they'd see it in my first visit and bring it up themselves. I can remember when I was 20.... I worked three jobs and still kept going... I miss that version of "me". Heck, I miss the version of me a year ago. So many changes and so quickly!
Now... I've had a swallow study that showed aspiration (getting what you swallow into your lungs.) and today, I worked with a speech therapist who evaluated my muscles in my mouth and throat. She saw the muscle weakening and had to work with me on tips of maybe swallowing a bit more safely. I sat there in her office full of emotion. She asked me if I was there for a second opinion or if I wanted help... Tears welled in my eyes. I want help desperately! I know as much as any that this won't get better unless God chooses for that to happen but I can do all I can to live to the best of quality life I can. She fears exercises could worsen the muscle weakness causing the swallowing to be worse, so we are going to work together to find a balance of working those muscles but not pushing those muscles...
So... today... I have decided in my heart... to fight with my best foot forward!
I have to admit... I have tremendously waivered and struggled as of late! God has shown me that he's here. He sees my needs. He holds my hand. He proved himself through providing my rollator and has proved himself through a sweet friend reaching out with groceries. These acts of enormous kindness God puts on their hearts and the follow through touches my heart and makes me stronger for another day! Some times in those dark moments when everything is hitting one right after the other... reaching out to him in helplessness is all I have...And I've needed friends and family to hold me up right now because I'm worn... and I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I don't know how we are going to do everything that needs done... but we will find a way and God's gonna be RIGHT THERE....
Ps. 28:7 says... The Lord is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.
Right now... Trust has been hard. But I will continue to trust and I will continue to cling to him as my strength... My heart trusts in him....
~one worn out mom~
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