Let it go... Let it go...
I don't know about you, but my kids are really into frozen right now. I hear the songs over and over. I hear them quoting the movie and I have to admit, if the movie isn't turned on at least once a day, I fear something is INCREDIBLY wrong within my home!
Today, I was feeling quite thoughtful! I get that way often and I usually don't voice my thoughts outside of the realms of my home as much as I'd like! I know... SHOCKING! I have lots more to say than I really say!
My thoughts here lately have been jumbled with LOADS of emotions...
I heard someone sharing the other day how special needs families... families living with chronic illness often begin to feel secluded. They see their friends pull back... for many reasons! Sometimes it's because they're overwhelmed, sometimes because they don't understand, sometimes because they can't deal with trying to work around all the "needs" you have to accommodate just to walk out of your door...
As I sat listening to this... I realized I was reading a portrait of my own life. One that I would add to the list is that your life becomes a thresh hold of doing so much every day to take care of your loved one(s) that you forget how to be a friend... You forget how to interact and shut your mind down...
So, today, I was listening to the frozen CD (my children's choice!) and the lyrics started to really hit me...
"The snow Glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.
Don't let them in, Don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..."
As I stop and look at my life and the lives of those around me... I often wonder how much I live by this... How much do I let the change in my life... the lives that have disappeared and one day quit calling.... the people that have given up... how much have I let them waiver me and I start to feel that I should not let them in, I should not let them see.... Have I trained myself to be a good girl? To conceal what I'm going through? Conceal what I feel?
I was talking with a dear friend over email not long ago and we were talking about the categories of people we as mom's (or anyone for that matter with a chronically ill family member has). You have those who ask how are you, and they expect a smile and a "great thanks!". You have those who will judge you for feeling emotion and think you have a lack of faith for speaking anything other than "faith healing". You have those who are doubters and just think you're overemotional and seeking attention.... and so on... then you have those who EXPECT you to really say how you are and they are ok to listen, to cry with you, to let you "let it go". They're few and far between but they are jewels in the rough when you find them!
I guess for me right now... and like many other mom's I know... I'm struggling to find my place in this world as an individual. I'm struggling to know how to fit. My kids have health issues that bind our lives to GREAT limitations... I have health issues that I talk about much less! And I sit and wonder what people would feel if I just let go... if I just expressed what my world made me feel today.
I always try to make my blogs have an impact... So I guess for you who live with or with someone who has chronic illness, how do you keep from closing the doors? What do you do to keep yourself open enough to let people in? Or further yet... what would you want people outside of your realm of life to know? (I know! Dangerous door I just opened! )
For those who don't live it, but you have a "friend" in your life who does... how do you cope? What does it make you feel? Have you found ways to reach out and help? Have you found ways to keep that communication going and let your friend know that you're there? Again... further yet... what would you want that friend to know?
I'm not truly asking these rhetorically... although, I'd be happy to read your answers... but like me... I'm thinking... I'm chewing on a big chunk of life I'm trying to figure out and I'm challenging you to think as well! What's the cost to "Let it go?" What's the joy and privilege of letting those in? How can you maintain a life of great demand but still have that outlet and friendship with people that you so desperately need!
A mom with questions on the journey of life...
Today, I was feeling quite thoughtful! I get that way often and I usually don't voice my thoughts outside of the realms of my home as much as I'd like! I know... SHOCKING! I have lots more to say than I really say!
My thoughts here lately have been jumbled with LOADS of emotions...
I heard someone sharing the other day how special needs families... families living with chronic illness often begin to feel secluded. They see their friends pull back... for many reasons! Sometimes it's because they're overwhelmed, sometimes because they don't understand, sometimes because they can't deal with trying to work around all the "needs" you have to accommodate just to walk out of your door...
As I sat listening to this... I realized I was reading a portrait of my own life. One that I would add to the list is that your life becomes a thresh hold of doing so much every day to take care of your loved one(s) that you forget how to be a friend... You forget how to interact and shut your mind down...
So, today, I was listening to the frozen CD (my children's choice!) and the lyrics started to really hit me...
"The snow Glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I'm the queen.
Don't let them in, Don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..."
As I stop and look at my life and the lives of those around me... I often wonder how much I live by this... How much do I let the change in my life... the lives that have disappeared and one day quit calling.... the people that have given up... how much have I let them waiver me and I start to feel that I should not let them in, I should not let them see.... Have I trained myself to be a good girl? To conceal what I'm going through? Conceal what I feel?
I was talking with a dear friend over email not long ago and we were talking about the categories of people we as mom's (or anyone for that matter with a chronically ill family member has). You have those who ask how are you, and they expect a smile and a "great thanks!". You have those who will judge you for feeling emotion and think you have a lack of faith for speaking anything other than "faith healing". You have those who are doubters and just think you're overemotional and seeking attention.... and so on... then you have those who EXPECT you to really say how you are and they are ok to listen, to cry with you, to let you "let it go". They're few and far between but they are jewels in the rough when you find them!
I guess for me right now... and like many other mom's I know... I'm struggling to find my place in this world as an individual. I'm struggling to know how to fit. My kids have health issues that bind our lives to GREAT limitations... I have health issues that I talk about much less! And I sit and wonder what people would feel if I just let go... if I just expressed what my world made me feel today.
I always try to make my blogs have an impact... So I guess for you who live with or with someone who has chronic illness, how do you keep from closing the doors? What do you do to keep yourself open enough to let people in? Or further yet... what would you want people outside of your realm of life to know? (I know! Dangerous door I just opened! )
For those who don't live it, but you have a "friend" in your life who does... how do you cope? What does it make you feel? Have you found ways to reach out and help? Have you found ways to keep that communication going and let your friend know that you're there? Again... further yet... what would you want that friend to know?
I'm not truly asking these rhetorically... although, I'd be happy to read your answers... but like me... I'm thinking... I'm chewing on a big chunk of life I'm trying to figure out and I'm challenging you to think as well! What's the cost to "Let it go?" What's the joy and privilege of letting those in? How can you maintain a life of great demand but still have that outlet and friendship with people that you so desperately need!
A mom with questions on the journey of life...
Mindy, I've found that after a year of my child "having cancer", most around me seem to act like she's gotten over it, like you would a cold, or the flu.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I lack patience. There was a Smash Cancer event recently and the newspaper featured a person with melanoma on the nose. They had some surgeries. I wish the reporter would spend 1 night on and Oncology floor and listen to the screams of children, or see the kiddos in multiple therapies for months/years trying to regain basic function.
It has helped me when even 1 person acknowledged that what Amanda has gone through has been significantly more than most adult chemo patients that I have met.
Sometimes it's the other moms/families that have walked a similar path that really get it.
I suspect it can be overwhelming, the "hamster wheel" of never ending needs, meds, breathing treatments, dr's appointments, therapy, ER visits all x3 (or x4). I suspect you get spread too thin, but what other option is there?
I hope that even in the midst of the business/neediness there are cherished moments with each child that blesses you this next week.
Thank you for this Rosemary! I'm sorry I hadn't replied sooner! Praying for you and thankful for the updates and posts I see on FB! :)
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