Finding myself...
I haven't been a great blogger here as of late... I think some of it is because I'm tired of posting the medical. But in all reality, that's where my life is right now and to be honest, I'm struggling in it. So, my blog is called "journeys of one mom"... so join my journey right now!
This morning I got up and started to read the Bible. I have been really wrestling with anger lately. Anger about what my kids are going through, anger about my own health because I want to be and do everything for my kids and lighten the load/burden my husband carries so selflessly everyday with out ever complaining!
That anger has brought me down. It's lowered my moral, it's lowered my opinions and it's drug my moods right through the dirt! Ever been there? I guess you could say I have been in a pit.
As I opened my Bible today, I came to Jeremiah. I love the book of Jeremiah! But in Chapter 10 Verse 23 it says, "I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps."
This hit me this morning... I get so frustrated with God for what we battle every day. I hear folks say to me, "You're so strong!" or that "You're family is such a reminder to me of great faith..." but many days, I can't see that! I can't believe those comments because in my heart, I'm aching... I'm pleading that everything will go away! But it's this verse that reminds me... this life isn't my own... my children's lives aren't my own! My life and their lives belong to God! I have no place to question and I have no right to live with anger and fears in my heart....
Now saying that, I know that God has grace that I'm a mama and it hurts to watch my babies hurt... I'm thankful that grace is there! But I think the right response to life is to grieve for the losses they have, the burdens they bare and to turn that into giving their lives to God. Not giving my heart to anger!
God has given us a path and it is God who has chosen the steps for that path. My prayer today in my own heart is that God would allow me to begin to trust Him more.... that God would allow me to let go a bit more each day... That my God would let me see our lives through His eyes! In that place then I can begin to find my way of what God is desiring of my life... who I'm supposed to be, the greater witness I'm supposed to be... we live in a huge mission field on this medical journey... only when I can accept the path God has us on right can I have a clear mind in that field!
So many times, in the thick of things, I am reminded God is there! Sometimes in silly ways that make me chuckle but sometimes, in huge ways! I can remember when my daughter was having a spinal tap. I was terrified. She reminded me how God's always gone with her... and that he would walk into that room before we did... When we walked in, as she climbed up on that table for them to do this to her... her body hurting, having seizures and running a 105 temp.... I felt him there. It was thick in the room! God was with us! Then there was a time that my middle son was getting an ECHO done and he looks at the monitor and says "I can see Jesus in my heart!" Then days like yesterday, we were all having a bad day, and my youngest son grabs my middle sons hands and says "Lets pray! Thank you Jesus for my family" because his brother gave him one of his toys. God is there... In tender ways, when I feel alone.... I'll get a text reminding me I'm not, or I'll get a message from someone who's filling a need they didn't know I had, or an anonymous card in the mail with kind beautiful words to encourage me...
This life isn't my own.... and when I feel alone.... he's there! God is in the midst! God is walking every step of this journey with us... We serve an amazing God!
With a repentive heart I write!
This morning I got up and started to read the Bible. I have been really wrestling with anger lately. Anger about what my kids are going through, anger about my own health because I want to be and do everything for my kids and lighten the load/burden my husband carries so selflessly everyday with out ever complaining!
That anger has brought me down. It's lowered my moral, it's lowered my opinions and it's drug my moods right through the dirt! Ever been there? I guess you could say I have been in a pit.
As I opened my Bible today, I came to Jeremiah. I love the book of Jeremiah! But in Chapter 10 Verse 23 it says, "I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps."
This hit me this morning... I get so frustrated with God for what we battle every day. I hear folks say to me, "You're so strong!" or that "You're family is such a reminder to me of great faith..." but many days, I can't see that! I can't believe those comments because in my heart, I'm aching... I'm pleading that everything will go away! But it's this verse that reminds me... this life isn't my own... my children's lives aren't my own! My life and their lives belong to God! I have no place to question and I have no right to live with anger and fears in my heart....
Now saying that, I know that God has grace that I'm a mama and it hurts to watch my babies hurt... I'm thankful that grace is there! But I think the right response to life is to grieve for the losses they have, the burdens they bare and to turn that into giving their lives to God. Not giving my heart to anger!
God has given us a path and it is God who has chosen the steps for that path. My prayer today in my own heart is that God would allow me to begin to trust Him more.... that God would allow me to let go a bit more each day... That my God would let me see our lives through His eyes! In that place then I can begin to find my way of what God is desiring of my life... who I'm supposed to be, the greater witness I'm supposed to be... we live in a huge mission field on this medical journey... only when I can accept the path God has us on right can I have a clear mind in that field!
So many times, in the thick of things, I am reminded God is there! Sometimes in silly ways that make me chuckle but sometimes, in huge ways! I can remember when my daughter was having a spinal tap. I was terrified. She reminded me how God's always gone with her... and that he would walk into that room before we did... When we walked in, as she climbed up on that table for them to do this to her... her body hurting, having seizures and running a 105 temp.... I felt him there. It was thick in the room! God was with us! Then there was a time that my middle son was getting an ECHO done and he looks at the monitor and says "I can see Jesus in my heart!" Then days like yesterday, we were all having a bad day, and my youngest son grabs my middle sons hands and says "Lets pray! Thank you Jesus for my family" because his brother gave him one of his toys. God is there... In tender ways, when I feel alone.... I'll get a text reminding me I'm not, or I'll get a message from someone who's filling a need they didn't know I had, or an anonymous card in the mail with kind beautiful words to encourage me...
This life isn't my own.... and when I feel alone.... he's there! God is in the midst! God is walking every step of this journey with us... We serve an amazing God!
With a repentive heart I write!
so glad you are blogging again. and thanks for the reminder.
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