Turn of events...

My life has taken a sudden change... everything I once knew... it feels I no longer know.  I was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago because of my aspiration issues and a Peg tube (feeding tube) was placed in my abdomen.  I went in with the understanding this was going to be supplemental... and I came out learning this was it... This was my sole nutrition.... The words NPO indefinitely were written in bold letters across the note from my surgeon and team of doctors (NPO meaning... nothing by mouth).  You don't realize how big that word Indefinite is... until it's placed on something major in your life.  This has been a hard road.  I have put on my bravest most strongest face I can... but there are moments... daily moments... I find myself broken...

I feel so much better now with my health that it makes it all worthwhile but for me... for many... food is social!  We get together and we eat.... we have parties and we eat... we have victories and we eat... we go on dates and we eat... There are very few things in life that are not focused on eating or centered around some form of food.  And it WHOPS you in the face every day...

Not only do I have emotions to cope with, those I love do as well.  The change has affected everyone close to me.  My family, my friends... we have all had emotions we have had to battle.  Questions of faith, questions of what or how should we pray now... then there is the let down that God chose not to heal me with his hand but instead with medical intervention... and that my friends will grab many and start some conflict there!  Many don't see medical intervention as a miracle... but God has created people with the knowledge... the gifts... the heart... the talents and abilities to intervene and help those who need it.

I've come to see this as a blessing... not a curse... not something to be angry about... I don't grieve the fact I have it... but I do grieve the loss of what life was and now I have a new path of learning to figure out what life is to be.  New challenges of figuring out what "social" looks like... how family get togethers are spent for me and for others so no one feels pity and worry.

But in this... God keeps putting one thing on my heart over and over and OVER.... and that is this...

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.

I am a firm believer that God has a purpose for all things in your life.  I do not believe he sits back and says "Oh whatever" as you move through life but instead, He allows things to happen for his glory and his purpose.  All that to say... one thing I have found comfort in... in walking this path... My God... My Papa God has a reason for this path... my life was to come across the paths of others and my light was to shine in their lives.  I remember just less than a week after surgery sitting in one of my many doctor's offices and my doctor said to me... "You face everything with smile.  You have so much and so many reasons to be unhappy and yet when I see you, you always have joy." and guess what... this isn't the first time she has said that to me... In every thing we go through... our lives speak of something!  

I shared with a friend recently some frustrations I have had and some things that were said that just really kind of broke me. She fired back this message to me... "Through you, I have learned to know when to speak up, know how to research, and know how to get through the down days and still keep my faith.  I accept things as they come but never stop fighting to make them better.  Had God just healed you, yes, I would have been happy, but I wouldn't have learned those things through you.  God has rhyme and reason to his plan and just because we can't see it doesn't mean it isn't there.  Faith is having the courage and strength and confidence to keep fighting whether your having a good day or a bad day.  Most of all, faith is accepting that God is bringing something amazing through you to someone else to teach people along the way." 

So, the point of this isn't to toot my own horn because there is nothing there to toot. I am a weak, broken down vessel that God is able to use because I say, "Yep, here I am".... but all this is to say that God's word is true!  In our moments of suffering... in the moments of God pouring out his comfort, that trickles into the lives of others and it changes them.  Growing the kingdom of God happens in the day to day life... the willingness to live openly and let people see life isn't perfect but our God is... So... whatever you are struggling with... battling... having a hard time getting through... know that God is enough and that God is there and God is able to use you even in those dark places to bring light to someone else! I don't know about you... but when I know that my struggle helps someone else get closer to God... It's worth it... I give it all.... Whatever it takes!  

A tube fed mom... finding her way...